A Dark Confession
by Rivermoon1970
Summary: The outcome of a hunt brings back a dark memory for Sam that he never told Dean. Something happened the night he left for Stanford, the night his Father kicked him out, but he never confessed to Dean. This story contains adult language and a mature subject, not explicit, but it is dark. This story was inspired by Emebalia's Oatmeal story.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Haunted Memories **

This last hunt was haunting Sam. A child sex ring was involved. Kids were being kidnapped and sold to monsters for bizarre and unnatural acts. It sickened both hunters right down to their core. But him and Dean were able to gank the monsters and save what children they could. It was a small but wonderful victory, all the survivors went home to loving parents that would care for them and help them deal with what they went through. Dean went to the bar next to their motel to celebrate inviting Sam to come, but he just wanted to go back to the room and lie down. Dean went to the bar, picked up a hot chick and celebrated in her room. However, for Sam this brought back some really bad memories that he had pushed down, didn't want to think about, but the harder he pushed the worse it got. He pulled out the whiskey, turned out the light, slouched in the poor excuse for a lounge chair and proceeded to get stinking drunk.

When Dean came in the room, he was about to turn on the light when he heard Sammy say "Don't do that". His tone was very dark, very sad and Dean could tell that Sam was very drunk.

"Sammy?" Dean asked with a very worried tone to his voice as he slowly came in the room and took off his jacket.

"What?" Sam said with a venomous tone to his voice.

"You okay?" Dean was definitely getting worried now. Sam had been dark and brooding in the past, but this, this was not like his Sammy.

"No, I'm not. I'm so far from being okay". He said with slurred words and a voice full of pain. This was almost like the Sam just after Jess died, but different. Dean couldn't put his finger on it, something was very, very wrong.

"You need to talk about something Sam?" Dean made his way over to the bed closer to the chair Sam was currently slouched in. Dean started to put his hand on Sam's knee, but he flinched to the side, just a fraction, almost like he was afraid. Now Dean was starting to panic inside. Sam always let Dean comfort him.

"I don't know if I can". He looked right at Dean who could tell that Sam had been crying.

"Sammy, what is it? You thinkin' about Jess?" Dean was on the verge of full blown panic.

"No, it's not about Jess."

Dammit, Sam was giving him the short answers and Dean knew right away this was bad, very, very bad. His eyes were misting up seeing his little brother in pain. Something had happened to Sam that Dean didn't know about and he was afraid of the answer.

"Sammy, come on man, talk to me?" Dean gentled his tone and leaned in closer to his brother.

"It's about this hunt. It just," Sam stumbled on the words, voice thick with emotion and alcohol, "It brought back some bad memories".

Now Dean was starting to get angry. Not at Sam, but he finally figured out that something had happened, something he didn't want to think about happened to his Sammy. He tried to get his emotions under control because if he got angry now, Sam would close up and he would never find out.

"Sammy, you know you can tell me anything, I'm always there for you Sam".

"Really Dean? You're always there for me? Like the night I left for school? Do you remember that night?" Sam said angrily.

Now Dean was a little confused. Sam said it was the case that brought up bad memories yet Sam was talking about leaving for Stanford. "Of course I remember. You and Dad got into a horrible fight, you grabbed your stuff, boosted a car and left. I didn't see you for weeks".

"You don't remember what happened right before Dad came back Dean?" Sam said darkly.

"What are you talking about Sam? What happened?" Dean was more scared than he'd ever been with his brother. There was anger, pain and some other emotion in Sam's voice that he just couldn't put his finger on.

Sam took another swig of whiskey right out of the bottle, "Do you remember when I came home that night? When you saw me in the shower?"

Dean tilted his head to look at his brother frowning hard like he was trying to understand what Sam was saying. Then it hit him, he didn't know how he forgot. Dean had come back to the motel they had been at and found Sam curled up in the shower, head between his knees and crying. It took Dean forever to coaxed him out and saw his battered body. He had been trying to get Sam to calm down enough to tell him what happened when their Dad came in mad as hell. John had found out about Sam's acceptance to Stanford. Dean had to help get Sam dressed and when they went to the bedroom John was full on angry. Dean was so worried about Sam and the bruises that before he knew it John and his brother were arguing and before Dean knew what was happening Sam was out the door and halfway down the street before Dean could stop him.

"Sammy, were you going to tell me something before Dad came in?"

Sam just shook his head yes and the pain in his eyes deepened. Dean was holding back his own emotions, he couldn't break down now, Sam had to tell him, this was obviously eating the kid up.

"Sammy, Sammy, look at me what happened that night? Come on buddy, tell me, you know you can tell me anything". Dean's voice was thick with emotion.

"Dean," Sam's voice hitched and fresh tears threatened to fall. "I was out hustling that night." Sam took another swig of whiskey and looked Dean in the eye.

Dean had to clear his throat before he asked, "Sam, you're not talking about pool are you?"

Sam looked Dean in the eye, shame and fear shone through, "No."

Dean threw his keys across the room. Dean had hustled a few times, only when money got bad and their Dad hadn't come home for weeks, but he never knew Sammy did. This made Dean angry at himself at his Dad and at life in general.

"How many times Sammy?"

"Dean…"

"_How many times_?" Dean asked with barely controlled rage.

"A few, I didn't count. It was only when money got really bad and I never…..you know," Dean understood that Sam never fucked a guy or let him get fucked. Sounded more like hand jobs and blow jobs, but even that much was too much for Dean to think about. His tears fell silently at what both of them had to resort to just to be able to eat or buy clothes, keep the roof over their heads, and to live.

"What happened Sam? Tell me, please," Dean was all but begging. He didn't want to know, but somehow he needed to know.

Sam knew this was the hardest thing he would ever tell his brother. "I was waiting around the corner for, you know, a John when these four guys," Sam had to stop, he looked down at his feet, took another swig from the whiskey bottle, jaw working back and forth, "They jumped me, they tried to," Another swig, "They tried to get my pants off me," Dean's breathing turned shallow and hard, his hand was over his eyes and tears streaming down his face while Sam continued, "They um, ahem, tried to, to um," Sam swallowed hard as he tried to find the words, it took him a long moment before he could continue. Dean waited patiently not wanting Sam to finish that sentence. Head down and voice low Sam finally was able to say, "rape me". Sam drained the bottle. He was full on crying now he couldn't hold back his emotions anymore. "I um, fought hard. I got one off me then fought like I had been trained to do, I fought hard". Sam took a moment, cleared his throat and continued, " I was able to finally get away and I ran all the way back to the motel. You came in just a few minutes late and found me in the shower ". Sam's head was swimming with whiskey and emotions.

"Sammy…Oh god," Dean looked at his little brother and the only thing that went through his head was that he wasn't there to protect Sammy, he wasn't there. His breath was shallow and he felt like someone had shot him in the heart with a silver bullet.

"When you got there and helped me I was about to tell you when Dad came in. We had that fight and I needed to leave, I had to get out of there. I drove all the way to Palo Alto. I didn't stop, not once, I checked into a motel and called Bobby."

Dean's jaw was quivering, those silent tears still fell when he suddenly got up from the bed and ran out of the motel room. Sam knew Dean wasn't running from him, he knew Dean needed a moment.

With shaking hands Dean got his phone out and called Bobby.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Bobby's Confession**

"Yup." Answered Bobby Singer when he saw that Dean was calling him, Dean couldn't answer, his emotions were choking his voice making it difficult to form a sentence. "Dean, are you there?"

"Bobby," Dean stumbled on his words, eyes closed, jaw working he had the phone resting on his forehead. He took a minute, he heard Bobby calling his name, "Bobby, I'm going to ask you something and I want the whole damn truth".

Bobby could tell that Dean was in a very highly emotional and dangerous state of mind. He knew there was only one thing that could make him this emotional, Sam. "Dean, what happened to Sam?" He asked softly, trying to talk Dean down from a narrow ledge.

"Bobby, the night Sam left us," Oh shit Bobby thought, "The night he left us something happened before Dad threw him out. I want you to tell me the whole truth Bobby."

"Son, why do you want to know about that? Whatever happened you can't go back and fix it. Did something go wrong on the hunt?"

"The hunt was bad. These monsters they were, they were um running a child sex ring Bobby. We ganked em with no problem and got the kids back home, but Sam," The silent tears started again while guilt clawed at his throat Dean was talking in stilted sentences, "I found him sitting in the dark with a three quarter empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. Now, that kid hardly ever drinks hard alcohol so _WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED_." Dean yelled angrily.

"Dean I don't think you should hear this over the phone son".

"Bobby, just tell me okay? Just, just tell me". Dean said begging Bobby to explain what happened to his little brother.

Bobby took a deep breath, knowing this was a bad idea because it would be one more thing Dean would let crawl inside him adding to his already generous supply of pain and guilt.

"Alright, alright," Bobby sighed heavily, "Sam called me from Palo Alto. He told me he needed help. I asked him what was wrong and the kid was hysterical. So I dropped everything and went. When I got to the room he was a mess Dean. Bruises all over, two cracked ribs, several cuts and a fractured wrist," Bobby closed his eyes the memories of that night still haunted him to this day.

"Oh my God Bobby, I didn't know, I saw the bruises, but not the rest. How did he drive all that way?"

"I don't know kiddo, I don't know. He was cryin' hysterically and I had to give him pain killers and a sedative to calm him down. I tried calling you, but your phone wasn't workin'. Neither was the phone at the motel you was stayin'at".

"Yeah Dad disconnected the phone and threw our cell phones out. He was pissed about Stanford. He came in roaring not even noticing the shape Sammy was in. I didn't know what to do".

"Dean, that isn't all".

"Oh God Bobby".

"Dean, he told me he had been out hustlin' and I knew he didn't mean pool. I didn't know things had gotten that bad for you two. He said he was trying to stash some money aside for school and that he wanted to hustle some pool but he didn't have any seed money".

"Shit, shit, shit." Deans voiced quivered, waiting for the rest of the story.

"He told me four guys jumped him and they was," Bobby was trying to keep his emotions under control because he knew he couldn't fall apart. Dean wanted the whole story and he would get through this, "Dean, they tried to….to,"

"Rape him Bobby? Was my Sammy going to be…" Dean couldn't hold it in any longer. He held the phone down at his side, crouched and with his head thrown back he screamed. He screamed for their lost childhood, he screamed for Sammy's lost innocence, he screamed for their asshole of a father and he screamed for the pain he put Sammy through.

"Dean, you still there, Dean?" Dean put the phone back up to his ear, he barely got out a yes before the dam finally broke and he cried.

"Listen son," Bobby said quietly, "You can't change what happened. You can't change what your fool of a Daddy did to you, but you listen to me, if Sam is remembering all this you need to be strong and help him back through it. He went through hell Dean. I stayed with him for two weeks. I nursed him…" Bobby's voice caught with emotion, "I nursed him back. I got him to talk to a crises center, at least a few times. He asked me not to tell you".

"Goddamn it. Bobby, oh god Bobby, how do I live with this now? Huh? How do I live with this?" 'I didn't protect Sam' was the only thing that went through Dean's head, 'I didn't protect him'. As he hung up the phone he heard Bobby say "Balls".

Dean got himself under control before he went back to the room. He knew he had to be strong to get Sam through the night. He just wished he could go back to that night and do things differently. He walked back in and found Sam slumped in the chair passed out. It took some effort, but he got Sam out of his clothes, into some sweats and into bed. The kid needed to sleep it off. The hangover was going to be the least of their problems when Sam woke up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Aftermath**

Dean didn't sleep. He didn't drink either, though by god he wanted to follow Sam and drink down a 1/5 of whiskey himself. No he needed to be clearheaded for Sam.

"Oh god, I think I'm gonna be sick," Dean heard from the other bed. He got up and went to Sam's side and helped him quickly get into the bathroom. He stayed right there the whole time Sam was sick.

When Dean thought Sam could talk. "Sammy, um, how much do you remember from last night?" Dean hoped the kid had blacked out and didn't remember their conversation.

Sam sat back on the questionable bathroom floor and looked at Dean with sadness, "Everything". Sam said as he bowed his head and fought back a fresh wave of tears. He didn't want to cry over this anymore.

Dean fell to the floor next to Sam and grabbed his brother and held him, but didn't hold back his own emotions. "Oh God Sam, I'm sorry is not enough, it's not ever, ever going to be enough". Dean's hands fisted in his brother's hair as he held Sam close to him and thought the damndest thing 'the kid needs a goddamn haircut'.

Sam pulled away after a couple of minutes and said in a low voice, "Dean, I need a shower".

"Okay Sammy, okay". Dean left his brother to take his shower, knowing the kid was going to scrub himself raw, he just knew his brother that well. He told Sam he would be right back and went to get coffee and something for them to eat, even though he knew neither of them would touch food right now. When he got back, Sam was sitting on the bed dressed in just his jeans and a t-shirt head down, hair still dripping wet and shoulders tense. Dean came in and closed the door quietly.

"Sam, why'd you do it? Huh? Why'd you go out there like that?" Sam understood that Dean meant the hustling.

"I needed money. I needed some seed money to get a pool game going. I only had ten in my pocket and knew that wasn't going to be enough".

"Sam," Dean held back his anger, he didn't want to be angry at his brother, they both did what they did to survive. "Why didn't you just pick a few pockets? You were always better at that than me?"

"You know what Dad always said, 'Don't pick in a small town, it'll get you noticed". He looked Dean in the eyes jaw shaking, eyes wet, but no tears.

"Sam, I know this will never ever be enough but I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry I didn't listen that night. I would never have let you out that door I don't care what Dad would've done, I wouldn't have let you out that door". Dean choked on his emotions. He swallowed some coffee to clear his throat and to take a moment.

"I know Dean, I know. The fight with Dad got in the way and I was so angry, I just had to get out of there and away, I just had to get away". Sam looked up at Dean and saw what this was doing to his big brother. "Dean, I never wanted you to know. You didn't need to know. I called Bobby and he came and took care of me. I told him not tell you, I begged him not to tell you and I never would have, but this hunt, it, it…" He couldn't go on. He just didn't want to talk about it anymore. It was in the past and it should stay in the past.

"Sam," Dean moved to sit next to Sam and he handed him his coffee. Sam took it just to have something to hold his stomach was too raw put anything in it, "I can never make-up for that night, never, but Sammy, I'm here now and whatever you need I'm here".

"I know Dean. I'm not mad anymore at you about that night. I was for a long time, but not anymore. I get how much you care, how much you tried to protect me, even from Dad. I saw the shock in your eyes over everything, but I had to leave Dean I had to leave".

Dean understood now why Sam had left in such a hurry that night. His brother never wanted the hunter life, and he knew that deep down Sam would have left to make something of himself in some way outside of the family. And what happened to him just cemented Sam's need to leave.

"I forgave you a long time ago Dean. It was just too much. Bobby got me to call someone. You know I've never been big on the whole therapy thing, but I called a few times through that first year and it helped. Helped a lot, I learned to live with it and by the time I met Jess, well she helped me even more".

"Did you tell Jess? Did she know?"

"No, I didn't see the point. I loved her, but telling her about that night would have just hurt her and I didn't want to deal with the emotional toll it would take on me, so I left that night alone and never brought it up".

"If I had known Sam, I would not have let you take this hunt. Never. Seeing you last night," Dean fought back his emotions, fought back the tears. "That just about destroyed me Sam".

"Dean," Sam took a deep breath, swallowed some of the bitter coffee and said, "I wanted this hunt," And looked pointedly at Dean.

Dean looked puzzled and it took a moment for Dean to realize what Sam was saying, "You did this to yourself on purpose? Is this some sort of, I don't know punishment thing?"

Sam sighed hard, "No Dean, I wanted to take this hunt to save kids from going through what I did. I took it to chase away their shadows so they wouldn't go through what I did. I needed this one Dean, I needed it". Sam was trying to make his brother understand.

"Okay, okay Sammy, is there anything else you haven't told me about that I should know?"

Sam looked up at the big brother who'd always tried to protect him, always tried to take care of him so he wanted to be honest for once, completely and truly honest, "No, after I started going to school everything was actually kind of boring in a nice non-monster way".

"Are you going to be okay Sam? Because right now I'm not, I am so very far from being okay".

Sam saw what this was doing to Dean and it was precisely why he never wanted Dean to know. He needed air, but he wanted to give his brother something just before he left. "Dean look take this card and call that number. They helped me deal with it. Though I didn't say anything the first few times I called but I finally did one day and it was the best thing I could have ever done. I'm going for a walk I need to just, you know. I'll be back in a while".

Dean took the card hesitantly out of Sam's hands and just stared at it for the longest time. He's not the sharing of emotions type, except with Bobby and Sammy and even then he holds too much inside, but this time? This time it was too big and too much. Dean heard Sam leave quietly. He stared hard at that battered card. He could tell that Sam kept it close to him, transferring it from wallet to wallet, it was important to the kid. Dean made a decision, it was difficult probably the most difficult phone call he ever made.

"Good morning, Rape crises center, my name is Jamie, do you need any emergency services?" A kind female voice said on the other end of the phone.

"Um, no, no I don't need emergency". Dean's raspy words came out thick with emotion.

"Okay good. What's your name?"

"Dean."

"Okay Dean, do you want to tell me what happened? You don't have to we can talk about anything you want".

"It's not me, it's um, it's," Dean had to take a minute, he swallowed hard and could tell that Jamie was patiently waiting for him, "it's my brother, Sam."


End file.
